R turned eight today. When did that happen? It seems like yesterday that he was lying on his back in the bassinet, and my mum had to shoo me away so he could sleep. I used to push the little light-blocking fan away from the top and surprise him by appearing upside-down...that giggle was infectious. Pure beauty, like bells when the storm has calmed and all is still. I miss that. I love him more every day, but I miss those early days so much...the days when he so blatantly depended on me. I miss feeling him go limp in my arms, or on my shoulder, as he dropped off to sleep. I miss that baby smell. Why does he have to grow up? Oh, Father, help me to love him right now, to love him more, to love him exactly as You love him. Memory has a way of paralyzing even the most earnest of lovers, even the most well-meaning of big sisters.
Oh, I have to move on...I could write all day about him, but I must move on. Most of my thoughts from today are in the journal entry, but I can say one more things that I didn't include there: after the rigor and stamina-draining awfulness of sitting through straight lectures all morning and afternoon, it was a great relief to go upstairs (to a room with windows, no less!) and be addressed by Profs. P and B like the young adults, the students we really are - not the adult professionals we must deign to be when we are among the older graduate students. It was so, so relieving to hear even offers of help with the presentations, with the journal assignments...to be asked such an elementary question as, "Are you guys struggling with anything?" (I mean, I don't know about the other LIM students, but that's how it felt for me. Despite my obsession with doing all things adult, I do, in a lot of respects, want to be a child forever.)
Oh, I have to move on...I could write all day about him, but I must move on. Most of my thoughts from today are in the journal entry, but I can say one more things that I didn't include there: after the rigor and stamina-draining awfulness of sitting through straight lectures all morning and afternoon, it was a great relief to go upstairs (to a room with windows, no less!) and be addressed by Profs. P and B like the young adults, the students we really are - not the adult professionals we must deign to be when we are among the older graduate students. It was so, so relieving to hear even offers of help with the presentations, with the journal assignments...to be asked such an elementary question as, "Are you guys struggling with anything?" (I mean, I don't know about the other LIM students, but that's how it felt for me. Despite my obsession with doing all things adult, I do, in a lot of respects, want to be a child forever.)
